We recently had the pleasure of speaking to Liz, a Theatre Lecturer and Psychotherapist, about her and her partner, Mike’s experience of being adoptive parents. Liz and Mike adopted their son, Iwan* when he was six months old. Due to due complex circumstances Iwan’s birth mother decided to relinquish parental responsibility for Iwan from birth.
“I’d always wanted to adopt.” said Liz. “My auntie was adopted and growing up I also had a crush on someone in my class who was adopted so, I think I was always aware of the concept of adoption. My partner, Mike and I had busy careers and started thinking about children later into our relationship. Mike hadn’t considered adoption before but the more we explored it, the more we felt that adoption was the right route for us.”
Iwan’s birth mother experienced a concealed pregnancy (she was unaware that she was pregnant) and gave birth a few hours after finding out she was pregnant. Iwan’s birth parents decided ultimately that they couldn’t provide Iwan stability at that time in their lives and therefore decided to relinquish their parental responsibility. Iwan was initially placed with foster carer before his care plan became adoption. After a week of introductions (where adoptive parent(s) meet their child at the foster carer(s) home) Iwan moved in with Liz and Mike.
Liz reflected: “Iwan’s social worker created a good match for us all, as she was aware of creativity in Iwan’s birth family”.
Part One: Navigating Autism and School
“We loved Iwan becoming part of our lives and he appeared to settle in well.” Liz reflected. However, as he started to grow and progress, around the age of two-three years old, Liz and Mike started to notice that that Iwan was becoming more and more frustrated.
“I didn’t really understand what was happening and I felt quite isolated. It was the 2000’s and we all had less understanding of Autism than we do now. I think it would have been different now.” Liz reflected. “However, the challenge the situation brought really helped me grow as a person and accept that I can be resilient when I need to be.”
“Iwan’s initial school wasn’t the best place for him and within three months we decided to move from West Wales, back to Cardiff so that we could be closer to our support network and more specialised teaching”.
“Iwan started at a new, Welsh Medium school. Initially he thrived in years 2-3 of primary school because at that stage in school, learning is focused on movement and play. However, in year 4 the expectations change and the focus changes to sitting to learn. Iwan struggled with this transition and initially I felt that the school thought that we hadn’t been fully open about Iwan’s needs. However, we were actually also still learning about his needs ourselves.”
“During this time the school mandated that Iwan only attend for one hour per day. This was disruptive for him, and we struggled as we both still needed to work during this time to make sure that we could finically survive.”
“We worked with the school a lot during that time. With this support Iwan settled in. One of the things that we found particularly helpful was giving him a toy that he could use to calm his sensory needs. Iwan made friends and they were amazing friends to him; they accepted him for who he was, and he loved being friends with them.”
“Sadly, at the end of primary school the decision was made that Iwan would need to attend a different school to his peers. I feel like nowadays this might have been handled differently by the schools. It was a further loss for Iwan, and he missed his friends.”
“Iwan moved to a specialist school, and this was a hard transition for him because all the other children at the school had competing needs, some of which triggered his own coping strategies”.
“What we’ve learnt over the years is that all children, but in-particular children who are adopted and those living with additional needs thrive from consistency. Sadly, this isn’t something that Iwan has always had the privilege of experiencing through his school life or with his birth family.”
“Iwan lives with Autism and also Demand Avoidance on certain days of the month, when his anxiety is elevated. Due to this, we have needed to adapt our style of parenting for him. We have also found it helpful to unpick our own experiences of being parented and identify what we want to carry forward and what doesn’t work for us. For example, while reflecting on my own childhood, I realised that I felt like I needed to behave a certain way to receive love. I wanted to adopt partially because I didn’t want to feel like I had possession of a child because I had grown and given birth to them. I want Iwan to feel that I love him for whoever he is, as unconditionally as I can, and that he is his own person.”
“Over the years we have attended a range of training courses. We found learning about P.A.C.E particularly helpful and it’s been an integral part of our relationship with Iwan. We also accessed a parenting course with Adoption UK which included meeting other parents for six-seven weeks on the weekend. These experiences and my theatre background which involves interpreting story and characters in plays, have shaped the way for me to study Psychotherapy.”
“More recently Iwan was diagnosed with ADHD. The ADHD is the most debilitating aspect of his needs as it can truly get in the way of his education and learning process. It was great to obtain medicine for him which has helped him move forward. As Iwan grows older he’s far calmer than how he used to feel. His vocabulary is brilliant, and he reads a lot online. It’s been a real challenge finding the best courses for him and we’re currently working the team at the college he attends who are supporting him on a 1-1 basis. The current issue is finding a quiet spot at lunchtime to eat, as he finds crowded places and canteen’s so triggering.”
Part Two: Navigating contact with birth family
“I’ve always felt strongly that Iwan’s birth family have a significant place in his life. As his birth parents, they are always part of the picture on some level.”
Iwan struggled to engage with written life-story work, but Liz said that he thrives from in-person contact.
Sadly, Iwan’s birth father, Paul has never felt able to engage in contact with Iwan. Paul who is also diagnosed with ADHD, had a fractured relationship with his own father and found the concept of being a father himself overwhelming.
However, from the time of placement Liz, Mike and Iwan have all built a relationship with Iwan’s birth mother, Lucy.
“Having a relationship with Iwan’s birth mother has been invaluable to Iwan. And, for myself and Mike, knowing Lucy personally, has given us a better understanding of Iwan. We really appreciate her being in our lives and the relationship both we and Iwan have with her. Lucy is fun, loving and eccentric, and we can see the resemblance between her and Iwan. Lucy’s brother has Aspergers so, from growing up with him she has some previous experience of some of the challenges Iwan experiences.”
“Growing up having face-to-face contact with his mother has meant that Iwan is able to build an interpersonal relationship with her and he has been able to directly ask her questions which has supported them to build a unique relationship. Lucy shared with him that she loves him but that she didn’t feel that she could care from him like a parent needs to. Instead, she said that she could love him like an auntie. From this Iwan understands that she loves him but doesn’t have the capacity to care for him in the way that would be required.”
Liz, Mike and Iwan also had contact with Iwan’s paternal birth grandmother, Heather during the early years of his life. This included seeing each other face-to face and Liz reflected that this was positive for Iwan as it was yet another person who loved him and could be in his life. During Iwan’s childhood Heather remarried and she and her new partner had the financial ability to travel the world. Over time contact has lessened. Liz and Mike believe that this may be because of the change in Heather’s life.
“It's important to stay awake to the child’s preferences and Iwan seemed content to be with us and want to get on with his life” reflected Liz. “The only challenge we have sensed for Iwan is the fact that his birth father has not been in touch and doesn’t want contact. Iwan can sometimes pass a comment about this and there’s an inclination of frustration. When questioned further however Iwan seems very clear that he doesn’t not want contact either. Who knows if this changes later in life.”
“We have been very lucky to have Iwan in our lives and we love him more than the moon and stars, as I tend to say! He is a lovely soul and bright as a button. We hope that he can continue to realise who he is and get the support he needs in the world.”
“When I told Iwan that this article was being printed he wanted to add some advice for prospective adoptive parents re. Autism. He said to: “Practice your patience and walk away when things get tough. Space is everything for the autistic mind to find composure.”
“I (Liz) would also add, if all else fails, make sure there is a nice bottle of wine in the fridge and treats in the cupboard….and probably chocolate!”